student stuff again
God please let this attempt at uni be less melodrama
My midterm is in one hour and I can’t tell if I’m totally fucked or not. Pretty sure that more cramming at this point won’t help so instead I’m eating apples with cashew butter on the stairs. Don’t really want to be doing that either but someone told me at some point that eating healthy snacks before an exam give you sustained blood sugar which makes you a genius or something.
I’ve been doing a lot of sitting around alone on campus from high places and looking at the people moving about. I haven’t been making any friends but I don’t know how to try harder without being undignified unmysterious uncool. Anyways I’m less bothered by this than I was during my first try at university. Life now is kinda like a big glimmery blur of places and I’m in the middle of it all standing very still. I go to school weave between brown buildings. Sit on the bus look at the green. Go to work and hold a girl as she dies in my arms her lips dusk blue and then the medicine works and her eyes open again bright blue. Put the lecture in 2x speed. Fall asleep in the impossible blue sky of the double decker bus.
Me and C keep calling each other and missing each other and he’s in Spain that bitch and I’m stuck here, and N is off reading things and telling me about all the girls in her seminar (except K), and A is measuring things and staring hard at digital models of random objects, and I’m still here standing very still except I think I’m actually moving fast so fast you can’t see me moving at all. I paint my nails the colour of raspberries and then pick it all off tiny fleck by tiny fleck in class. It blooms red over the floor. I make symbols out of nothing. Gotta write a midterm now. Prayers to St. Joseph.
Not the performative femme contest 😭